In my previous blog post, I shared our journey to church planting and how we ended up in Buffalo, New York. What I did not share in that post were the details regarding our children and the challenges for both them and for us. At the time we made the decision to relocate, we had two children. Leah was 9 years old, and Lauren was 5 years old. However, we also had another baby boy (Lucas) on the way that would be born just a few months later. I still remember the night that I took Leah on a daddy-daughter date to break the news to her. She was a little gun shy regarding daddy-daughter dates after that night, and she may still be a bit scarred from that conversation.
Donald Whitney, in his book Family Worship, challenged my thinking regarding family and ministry. From the Scotland confession of 1647, he cited, “any man who dared abandon his family spiritually in this way was to receive church discipline.” Can you imagine if we took this drastic of an action today? I think I’ll move on without giving this any further thought. After all, that is pretty convicting to consider.
In thinking through this idea of family and ministry, two specific topics arise. First, there is the question of “How can I minister to my family?” A second question is, “What are the roles of my spouse and/or children in my church-planting ministry?” I want to attempt to address each.
Because schedules and pressures are different for the church planter, finding ways to serve them as their “pastor/shepherd” is incredibly important. Unfortunately, too many church planters neglect their families for the sake of the ministry to which he has been called. While this is a temptation for everyone in ministry, it seems to be an even greater challenge for church planters and their families. Consider those early days when there are no set schedules or routines in place. For most of us, there was no office in which to slip away. And while this would seem to make ministry to the family more conducive, it often has the opposite effect. For me, I work better in a routine and with a set schedule. If I did not have to “come home” to my family, it was easy to assume that I had been ministering to them, even though I knew the truth.
That being said, I had to make a deliberate effort to make sure that my wife and children were not neglected. In our case, we had moved our kids away from their grandparents whom they saw multiple times each week. They were also taken away from their schools, which included friend groups, and away from the only church that they had ever known. Needless to say, if they ever never needed to be ministered to by mom and dad, this was the time.
I wish I could say that we nailed it and got it right every time but there is something about bearing false witness in the Bible, so I’ll withhold that statement. I will say, however, that we learned some very important lessons about how to minister to them and their specific needs. For instance, while we have always prayed together as a family and tried (notice that I used the word “tried”) to incorporate various spiritual practices, our family worship was more important during those early days than it had ever been previously. Prior to starting the church, we attended another church in the area, but we couldn’t commit to membership or service because we knew our time there would be temporary. The worship services were amazing but not the same as worshiping alongside those that you know and love. There was something special about our times of singing together and praying together as a family unit in those early days.
For me, this meant that I not only had to see myself as the “priest” of my home, I had to also see myself as “pastor.” And while these terms can be interchangeable, they are also different. My kids didn’t have a youth pastor. When they had needs, spiritual or otherwise, I couldn’t pass the information on to someone else in hopes that they could be helped by these individuals. That was now on me, and I had to continually remind myself of this fact. Because each child is unique, I had to find ways to shepherd them and connect with them on an individual basis. At times, this was daunting for each of us, but the joys of family during those early days were some of my favorite days.
Ministering to them also meant that I couldn’t allow the stresses of ministry to be taken out on them. Again, this is easier said than done. They needed me as dad and to have my full and undivided attention without feeling the pressures that I was feeling. I had to continually remind myself that they were my first and primary ministry.
Having addressed the importance of the church planter ministering to his family, the second question regarding the roles of the spouse and children in the church plant should be considered. Recently, I had the privilege of interviewing several church planters in the Buffalo area and in one of those interviews was this statement, “Like the planter, they (the family) are gifted by the Holy Spirit in specific ways that can be of great benefit to the new church plant.” This assertion caught my attention immediately and I have been thinking about this as it relates to the ministries of those that live in our homes and serve alongside us.
Simply put, here’s what that means. Just as I have specific spiritual gifts that can be used for the benefit of the kingdom through the local church, my wife and children also have specific gifts. The tendency that we must avoid is that anything needing to be done but not being taken care of by someone else falls by default to the church planter’s family. I have a wife that is very willing to serve in whatever capacity she is needed, and she has filled multiple roles in our nearly 30 years of ministry together. For that, I am blessed, and she normally knocks it out of the park with whatever is thrown her way. But the question remains, should she have to do it just because no one else is willing? Would she not be more fulfilled if she is serving as she is gifted?
And then what about the children and their roles of service? Obviously, they should never be taken advantage of, nor should there be an assumption that anything that is not handled by someone else falls to them by default, as I mentioned previously. At the same time, I don’t want to rob them of the joy of serving especially when the Lord has gifted them to do so.
Here are some practical suggestions for consideration. First, help your wife and children discover their gifting and cultivate that as best you can. Again, as the spiritual leader of the family, we must do a better job of this for their sake and for the sake of the ministry. Second, when these skillsets and gifts are discovered, find ways in which they can serve, even if it means creating new opportunities and ministries. Third, be careful to not make them feel guilty when a position goes unfilled or when a ministry is ended. Fourth, model for them the joy of serving Christ in the specific ways in which you have been gifted. If all they hear is drudgery and complaining from you because of your roles of service, why would they want to follow in your footsteps of service? Let me share some personal examples of what I mean.
Leah, our oldest daughter, is extremely gifted at music and she plays guitar and sings. Even while we were fundraising, as a 10-year-old girl, she would play and sing in the services with such poise and maturity. Even today, all these years later, she is an integral part of our music ministry, and she loves it. However, her personality does not lend itself to serving on our hospitality team. She would not be comfortable in this position at all. Since this is not her strong suit, we have always sought to give her the opportunities to serve where she is gifted and not force her into a box of serving in that role just because we need a warm body there. Lauren, on the other hand, while also gifted in music, loves the personal interactions with people. She is the smiling face that everyone likes to see when they walk through the door on Sunday morning. She has a gift of hospitality and can be extremely useful in these ways.
In 1 Corinthians 12:11, Paul said, "All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills." Let's commit ourselves to the ministry to which God has called us while at the same time finding opportunities and means of service for those that live within their homes.
What practical suggestions would you add to my list? Comment below and join the conversation.
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